Was supposed to be my day of lament of reflecting on my past, my current status and where I'd like to be in the future. Of people and what I had done for, to and because of them and what I had not. And the possibility of their perception of things. My perception of things. It still was, in some way.
It started off with me reaching my favorite thinking spot at Punggol End around 8 am, give or take. I was sort of ill-prepared for this, even though I had wanted to do this for a long time. This was something I usually reserved for my birthday or the day after it each and every year since I started doing it during my polytechnic days. However this year, I was unable to do so, more because of things that were out of my control than anything else.
Either way, there I was, all alone, save for a few of the would be champion fishermen honing their skills upon the miniature jetty that protruded from the beach. Alone, like I always preferred to be on days like this. Set up my area of seclusion where I always did, overlooking a small straits cutting between the countries of Singapore and Malaysia. The view on the other side though was a sharp contrast to what I remember way back when I started coming here. Ironically however (and I have been getting a lot of that type of metal nowadays) the view I saw reminds me a lot of my pursuit-of-diploma-that-ended-in-failure days.
Ships. That's right, you heard me. I would've ... could've been a Naval Drafter or a Ship-Wright or a Welding Quality Analyst or even a Safety Officer... but that's all ifs and should've beens. Amazing how one act of stubborn defiance can shift your path so much. Regardless, it wasn't meant for me, nor do I truly want it.
Remnants of the past in present day:
To give you an idea of how my spot was set up:
Self assessment:-
After much reflection, I don't feel as though I managed to get anything I wanted to do, done in the year that has been. Zilch, zero, nada ... nothing. Self improvement through courses: 0. Getting my manuscripts done: 0. Get peripheral equipment to help me express myself: 0. A huge oval rotteny egg overall. Maybe it's due to how I felt about my previous work. Lack of proper career path, whacked work culture and definitely too much unprofessionalism and politicking (in my immediate area of work anyway). Lethargy brought on by fighting too many things that just did not agree with me as a person to actually focus on the stuff I want to do. Finance played a huge part as well. I was barely making enough to afford going to work. At least I'm out of that job now, thank God (or by whatever name you address said entity). The neurons in my mind were so stagnant I was afraid I'd wake up comatose everyday. Though how one would wake up comatose is another issue altogether.
One thing I was able to do was to read a lot of books. I mean, I'm a book away from completing Stephen King's Dark Tower series. In addition to a lot of re-reading of at least four other books, I'd say that says a lot. It's probably the only thing that kept my mind from degenerating into a vegetative state.
In terms of work and life experiences, I feel that I've garnered a lot from my very short stint there. And it has somewhat helped mould a small but important part of how I perceive things. Hopefully, I can bring all that I've learned and unlearnt with me into my next career. To help me be a better employee. Feh, how I dislike that word. Much prefer to be my own employer but I don't have said choice now do I?
More importantly I need to get the things I want done, done. I've even set the target of my next birthday to get the following scratched off the list:-
2) Lose 40 kgs
3) Get my own laptop
4) Write, write, write, write
5) Read, read, read, read
6) Finish my Sign language course
7) Learn at least 1 foreign language.
8) Get a new guitar and start playing again
9) Learn how to play the harmonica
10) Get my own digital camera
11) Get my own digital video camera
12) Get a headset with an attached microphone
Newly discovered/ uncovered traits (as related to me by those close to me):-
Uncouth: I've always been uncouth and without much if any semblance of social grace. Especially if I'm around people I'm comfortable with. It's just that only recently has someone pointed out that this particular trait of mine makes them uncomfortable regardless of how close we are. Definitely something I need to look into - meaning I haven't really figured out if I want to change this or not.
Defeatist/ Negative: I'm a bit iffy on this one. Partly because I feel that this character of mine is the realist in me that tends to deal only in facts and all probable and possible outcomes. It helps me analyze and deal with most situations and things hurled at me. It is also the same mindset that makes me all frazzled when something illogical or irrational occurs. So maybe I need to balance the scales up a bit here.
Angsty: I'd have to thank a certain someone for pointing this out to me. This is probably the most hidden of my characters. I've always had a suspicion of it and now that it has been made known to me, I guess somehow its a good thing. Pent up frustrations, anxiety of the world, my world and how I see it. How I claim foresight into what will happen. Hallmarks of a great future writer (novels, poems, songs) or be just another crap rolling, pot sniffing, junkie...... my choice I guess.
Myself to others:-
Another practice I usually do on such days is to think about my family and close friends and of how I've been to them. This is one of the more selfish things I'd do this day. And I'd call those that I can to see how they are getting on:-
Anna J (SWE) - I texted you and probably woke you up from your slumber seeing as it was noon my time and probably the without sun hours of the day for you. Good luck with NaNoWriMo, I'm sure you'd do just as well as you did last year. Miss you this whole month while you're busy with that.
Jord O & Wattie (Canada), Alicia (AUS), Erin & Anna (US) - Didn't have your cellphone numbers or I would've called you all. Was still good to see all of you online after my day of lament and even better that I got to chat with all of you. Keep that Bond with mace thing going, looks good for you Watts. Glad to see that you're still politicking in the True North, Jord. Alicia, good luck on your endeavours down under. I promise to come visit you soon, since you're the nearest of them all, heh. Erin, thanks much for your time and your ears and....everything. Really, I much appreciate it and let me know when you're free of the Vulcan. *insert grin here* Anna, I promise I'll catch Trinity Blood before I get there and definitely need to learn a lot about horses too. I'm definitely glad of the comfort you've given me all this time. And take heart, even though the Reps didn't win, we all know its for the good of the US *insert another grin here* Miss you all.
Jessica (US) - Where in the world are you girl? Journalism work got you cooped up in a hole somewhere? I sincerely hope you're alright. Last I heard you were covering sports and stuff. Get in touch with me when you can. Am already having withdrawal symptoms from your cynicism and sageliness (is that even a word?).
Cath Stinton (UK) - This is the one I'm quite worried about. I see you online on MSN, I've sent emails to the accounts you own that I know of and am getting no response. Last I knew, you were in Lancashire pursuing your degree or some rather. Are you alright? If you got any problems, please let me know. I'll try my best to bail you out with whatever means I got. Seriously though I am very concerned.
If any of you have seen this woman anywhere recently, please let me know
Hope you're doing ok Cath. Really miss your British humour and the all too flustered way you sometimes express yourself with regards to certain things.
Nizam & Iannie (SG) - Didn't want to bother you guys too much, since its your first day of the school holidays and I know that one of you needs to rest (lots of it recommended) while the other still needs to go back to school to finish up some paperwork and stuff. Regardless, I still miss hanging out with you both. Especially the hanging out at your place part, which I haven't done in a long time. I really appreciate all the help you've given me in terms of advice, care, concern and the alternative perspectives and all that. I hope I can repay all that some time in the future.
Don (SG) - Definitely didn't want to disturb you what with your busy work and all. Just wanted to thank you for offering your helping hand and option when I was handling a junkie on my own. Really meant a lot to me even though things didn't really work out. Good luck in June bro, I'll be there don't you worry about it. Keep in touch after you're done with all that, ey.
Alison (SG - FRA?) - I remembered you going for your test today. So just sent you an sms. Hope you got it all down pat and that when next time we meet up you'll be showing me that brand new card.
Harold & Mui Leng (SG) - Been spending more time with your wife than I have with you Harold. Though I wished it was the other way round and I understand that you got your Battle of the Books going on. Not that I do not enjoy spending time with you Mui Leng. You've been more than a huge assistance in helping me open my eyes to things that I otherwise would have ignored. Really appreciate it and hope to be of use to you both in the future as well.
Shirley (PHL - SG) - That phone call didn't go as I wanted it to go with a lot of mixed, confused crap from both our parts. I just want us to be and remain close friends, nothing more, nothing less. Nothing less. I don't need more hi, hello, goodbye friends. Got them by the truckloads. You've helped me a lot in the last two months without even knowing it. You've reinvigorated my muse, tore down that huge wall of a block that has impeded my writing. Made me question myself on a lot of my perspective on things. Stuff that you might possibly consider insignificant but these are things that mean a lot to me. However, since that is your wish then I shall respect that and honor the wishes of my close friends as I always do, because I still see you as a close friend regardless of whatever viewpoint you might have. No calls, no emails, no text, no attention, no showing of concern. I think I've got that down pat.
Aru (SG) - Bro, I doubt there is much I can write here that would do justice to what you've done for me. You've been my neighbour, my friend, my brother, my alternative viewpoint of this maya we are in. Words of thanks will never suffice. Hell man, words alone won't ever suffice.
It was alternating between rain and sun at this point in time and it was more sun than anything after that. Drained the fluids out of me.
Me thinking if this suddenly became the Sahara
It was getting into the early evenings anyway and people were already sauntering in to make full use of the changing tides to help deplete the waters of its inhabitants. Many people do not a comfortable me make. And so I left, leaving my mark on the beach-grassy expansion of Punggol End. More like a pile of rubbish than anything else.
Go green for the Earth and all that. Heh.
Overall it has been a good day for me. Got a lot of thinking done and my course set. I know who, what and where I am and where I'm going. And that's definitely good. This place has served me well and I hope it would continue to serve me well into the future.
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Canceled my visit to Nizam & Iannie's house that evening because Nizam had something to do that night. So I went out on short excursion of Compass Point with Aru. Figured out how to use the internet enabled laptops in the community libraries.... well, was more like how to book them for use. Gave this sausage franchise a try and thought that their dogs were quite ok. Nothing like what I could whip up at home but passable nonetheless. 1901 was its name or something like that.
Which reminds me, I need to get a food review blog up and running as well seeing as I've been stuffing myself with lots of different delicacies recently and I doubt that's going to change soon. Yeah, yeah I'm going to try and lose weight too. It's all about balance man....balance.
And that's all for the day. Az, signing off.
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