Should I

Should I fall?

Already stranded, stuck within
Each struggle leads to deeper sinking
Like quicksand devouring its victims
Slowly, surely, inevitably
I have already fallen

Should I continue?

When I am forbidden
Cautioned, prohibited from acting
Pursuing the pull of my heart
The incessant tugging of my soul
From the one who draws them

Should I heed?

For another beckons strong, calling loud
Though there be not intensity in enticement
Augmented only, possibly, through repeated persistence
And of sheer, hounding loneliness
No acquiescence am I yet compelled to give

Should I answer?

Questions of my past, present and future
Of what roles I have discarded, held and yet to assume
Of my blood, my heritage, my destiny
Must I instill such fears
When I only seek to love

Should I accept?

Whatever role that is given, regardless
Despite one which I wished and prayed for
To then nonchalantly act in this theater of life
As if my emotions never were, never true
Though they will always be
As all before had always been and still are

Should I beg?

Toss aside all manner of dignity and honour
Crumbling onto knees, pleading
Imploring to be chosen
Beseeching for reciprocation
A lowly, humbled vessel of a being
A peasant, prostrating before his queen

Should I hope?

When the die seemed cast
When all appears to be final
Would there still be a line of silvery shine
That would grow beyond the darkened clouds
Would there still be straws for me to clutch upon
Would my yearning be replaced by a more concrete desire
To have, to hold, to own

Should I still hope?
Should I still expect?

The Lurking Room

And here I am

Back in the tween of wrong and right
A lingering between day and night
Could there ever be an end
In this greyed funnel of indecision
For to move, would be to chance
A risk devoid of rewards

Not barren, this treasure trove
Just hidden, locked and unmoving
Till it chooses to bare itself

And thus here I am

Lurking and waiting
For a fate not yet sealed
Undecided by my hands but always
Through the actions of another
In their time, at their pace, of their own accord

For it does not matter
Never did, never will

And I linger with hope

In Father Time to be kind
With his healing, with his release
Of whatever burdens that plague
For I possess not of such devices
Only in what comfort my ears provide

And in this I pray

That hope be as true
As my intentions are sincere
For I am wary of destiny's twisted humour

The repetition of life's plays
Dulling all pain and anguish from what was
And of what might be or might not

Louder do the bells of good tidings ring
Drowning despairing cries
Though these cries might be mine own

Yet, here I still am

And On The Third Day, Shall I Rise ........

First off,

Congrats to Nizam and his wife Ian Farah, on the birth of their baby girl, Ian Qalsyah. Been meaning to post this since I first got the news but just didn't quite have the time to. My congrats and well wishes! Hope I can find the time to visit the three of you soon. I guess our Johor trips won't be as frequent as before from now on ey, Zam?

It's been a rather uplifting though tiring (the good kind of tired) few days since I last updated on here. And I honestly can't believe it's already Friday - not that I'm complaining or anything. Just seems kind of amazing how time flies when you're on a relative high.

I've never been more involved in (or cared so much about) my work any more than now. I actually do have a hand in shaping the future for these kids. No lip-service, no just-getting-it-done-because-I'm-being-pestered but doing it because I want to, because it is needed. Doing something purposeful instead of just going through the motions under guidelines set by those who haven't a clue on what's going on. Never has it been more apparent to me that people are trying to make a difference in as right a way as possible. That there are others who are truly concerned about the well-being of those less fortunate than them. And more importantly, the fact that its as sincere as you can get.

Met up with a certain someone since my last post and have had a more than great time communicating with her. I must admit that its wonderful to have someone willing to listen to my inane babble. Though in all honesty, I've been doing the larger share of the listening. Doesn't really matter and its not really her fault that I haven't been sharing as much. Not really much to share, anyway. My problems and concerns, for what they are worth if they are worth anything, do not make or break this world we live in. But once they are large enough to do that, I'm sure most everyone will know without the need for me to say anything.

I truly enjoy spending my time with her, regardless and I hope such an abrupt start does not end as abruptly.

And I guess sometimes what people tell you about yourself is true - some of the time. Apparently I do exhibit the qualities to function as someone in a vocation that employs therapeutic methods - Therapist, Counselor, Psychiatrist, Special Ed Teacher, Psychologist, Social Worker ............ Heck, I've held one of those jobs listed, am holding another and aspiring to be either one of two of the remainder.


"It is only through others that we find ourselves. In them, our purpose. And thus within us shall peace reign. " - Az

Smile Again

In a distance was it seen
A glittering brilliance
A radiance beyond the suns
Life once lost, now found
Reinvigorated, renewed

A song of heartstrings
Once snapped and broken
Remade again, in tune
To the melody of hope
For it springs with each smile

But when the beaming wilts
And a frown replaces

What can he do?

To someone not his to own, not yet
So far in distance for physical consoling
Still bound to old ties, yet unbroken

What can he say?

But flowery words of speech
Instead of true petals in bloom
Bestowing sincerity in actions
For these are all he has
All he could offer and ever offer

Should he hope?

That all this be sufficient
To dissolve old links, destroy them
And reconstruct anew
A channel unto him
To keep, cherish and hold

Such that the wide beaming smile would return
A life invigorating his life.

Things Are Looking Up....

If anything this was a day of interesting developments.

Sure, I got a 'love bite' from one of my students - definitely not a highlight that I'd ever like repeated. However, today was a day where I felt like I belong. For those who have known me would know that I'm your typical loner. A single wolf loose in the jungle of life, without the need for a pack. And yet today I found it to be unusually satisfying to be a part of one. To be sort of accepted. The geek finally being part of the normal in society. Heh.

It shouldn't matter, but for some reason it did.

After school ended, thanks to my ever so helpful colleagues, I made my way down to Tampines to have a cuppa with someone. Well, I was actually intruding on her and her friend working on their project and half expected to be shooed away. It was nice to meet her friend but was definitely better to able to spend time with her again. Made our way to a couple of places (trying to keep this short...otherwise I'd write about stuff I wouldn't want to right now) before sending her home and making my way back myself. Needless to say I had a great time.

Somewhere amidst all that, I got the most delightful of smses from my good friend Nizam. His wife, Ian Farah, has gone into labour. The new addition to their family will physically join them soon. I hope and pray that everything goes smoothly for the both of them. Can't wait to get an sms from you Nizam and confirm that my guesses about Peanut's gender was true!

Good luck and Godspeed to the both of you!

A Tale Of Two Flowers

He was dazzled, aroused by its beauty
An innocent bloom, lost
Amidst a jungle of stone
Solitary but for its brethren, spread afar
And so he tended, regardless

Though not his to own or of his own
Not his to aspire for
It was somehow, his duty, his task
To give all, to bear all
For it was an efflorescence unlike others before

And so the orchid bloomed more beautiful
With each touch, each caress, each concern
Shown of true sympathy, purity of empathy
Without askance of repayment
Save for comforting counsel in lone times

And as time sped, a rush, a dash
As when all things flowed
In times of shared serenity
Of oneness in scintillating bliss
Would come a period of halting

For it took but an oversight
A moment of weakness of the mind
To scar, to scrape its brethren
An injury beyond repair, despite
In spite of his efforts

And so the orchid turned
Away from its tender
Away from its carer

He, abandoned
A deep pain inflicted

And as he thought his heart dwindled
Came another

A bloom much greater
A brilliance of independence
A shining resplendence of life

It was a pink rose of hope
His hope

This Sunday, Good Sunday

Maybe I did it to move on. Maybe I did it because I was pissed off. But surely, beyond certainty, I did it because I was fascinated, if not intrigued. And it was definitely more than pleasant.

It began a few days ago on Friday night. I got an unexpected request for chat from someone I tried to get in touch with in November last year on an online dating site (Yeah I signed up for those...for fun...really). It was chaotic as I wasn't subscribed and nor do I want to be and...... well...long story short... I finally got to talk to her on Saturday, yesterday. I have to say it was one of the most intellectually stimulating pieces of conversation I've ever had (current close friends excluded of course) in .......... a freakishly bloody long time.

And so we met up today at Downtown East, after some improvisations here and there with regards to time and place. There's really no words for me to describe the exhilaration I felt - the calm, the intellectual stimulation when we shared, when we discussed. I can't even believe how I lost myself at times, most times, when I was there.

To be honest, I didn't want it to end though it had to. And I surely hope it wasn't an end of anything. Yet hope can, at most times, be a double edged blade.

The Failed Knight

It was mandated, made law
Not by kings of lands and borders
Not by emperors of free will and free men
But of a sovereignty much greater
The rule of his heart

For it was in her eyes
That he was knighted
A peasant made honorable, commendable
Deplorably humble beginnings dwindled
Previously amounted sins, obscured

It was in her smile that he was armored
Gauntlets of strength clenching valor's blade
Chest-plated courage entwined with meshed bravery
Dauntless his helm and resolve his shield
A gleam of silvery gold, a shining of righteousness

She, the enchanting siren

Binding his heart through songs
Of melancholic despair, of love, torn
A virtuous, untainted beauty without compare
A purity untouched, pristine, immaculate

Mauretania, the maiden, his love
To protect and safeguard against the world
For she hailed not from this realm
But one of pure innocence

A vanguard he was
Against the Princes of Charming
Whose nobilities were but novelties
Sharpened daggers hidden
Beneath dazzling, concerned smiles

Alas, the knight was late

For the maiden, already wounded
By a Prince from long before
And struck again by a younger Prince of now
The wound before, gaping more
Without remedy, without prescription
For no physician was he
Just a self-proclaimed knight to his lady love

And as she began to fade
Beyond his sight, beyond his grasp
Refused her guardian, she did
Preferring the comfort of her murderers
Trusting in the falsities of their concern
Reveling in their designed deceptions
Her heart warm to their slaughter

For those were valued more
Than the sincerity of his care, his efforts, his love

Mauretania, no more

The knight, now without his lady
Devoid of purpose, of armor, of heart
Whom once was a peasant, is now again

Without love
A peasant, forever shall he remain

Upgrading Program - Phase 1

I don't think any of you have noticed but the old MyBlogProductions section on my blog had long since been removed, along with all the blogs within it since I switched over to the new blogger. It was quite a hassle trying to convert the format of the new blogger and to try and make it look the same. That and the fact that I wasn't able to update it as much as I'd like - insufficient relevant content, if you even understood that.

I decided to start it up again, sort of, under a different name but at a much slower pace this time. And this time as well, it would be more related to things I could actually blog about (the doing Reviews thing I haven't actually gotten the hang of doing yet, though I'd definitely love to start it up again some time in the future).

Anyway, if you were to look in the sidebar there's a new section called Azarian Realms Presents. This is where all my works will be placed in. For now there are only two other blogs there, one of which is still under construction. I will provide an explanation below on what each of those are.

Azarian Tales - You know those poems (or poem-like writings) I wrote before? Well, I'm compiling all of them there. Sort of like a chronicle of them, if you will. I'll still be posting whatever musings that comes to my mind here first but for ease of finding, I'll copy it there once a more current post takes over poem's place in this site's main page.

Rutilus Exercitus - Red Army. Basically its about Liverpool FC. My thoughts and feelings on their achievements (or lack thereof), new players and old, results, previews, etc. This site is not fully up yet, so don't expect anything much now even if you do visit it.

There'll be more to come, like Movie Reviews, Music Reviews, Book Reviews, Food Reviews (that is if I am blessed with enough time for them) and maybe even a Comic Strip (been thinking about doing this for a long time now).

I'll post updates to these sub-blogs of mine in small footnotes in my normal posts here so that you'll be updated without the need for me to syndicate those blogs.

Either way, let me know what you think of these.

Ciao for now.

Truth Starts With a 'T'....... Really

Amidst the controversy of Singapore's Health Promotion Board's latest 'Quit Smoking' campaign advertisement (click here to view it - WARNING: FREAKISHLY DISTURBING IMAGES) and its authenticity as well as the sense (or lack thereof) for the advert to run during prime time making it accessible to all (inclusive of young children) comes the point I have been stressing on.

People, and I do mean people, generally ignore the truth in most of its forms. The truth hurts as the saying goes. Well, its kind of hard to be hurt by something that one makes him or herself oblivious to. It is only when truth gets exaggerated and falsified does it garner the attention it should have had in its purest form. I mean, come on, if an advert was made on the valid statistical findings on the cancer causing effects of smoking instead of this, how many of us would have even took notice? How many would have been wailing from the pain inflicted by such truth?

The truth hurts but most of the time it is ignored.

There is no crime in Singapore? No beggars, no impaired persons busking for alms? No homeless, no mentally impaired? No elderly sick? No needy? No afflicted children? No slums? Or do we choose to ignore them even when they are in plain view?

How many would have donated had not a certain monk done death-defying stunts, year in, year out on National Television? Would we even know that such a group of needy and afflicted people existed?

There is no blame to be assigned here. People will ignore truths and will continue to do so, for the eyes of the masses are easily captured by the falsities of life's mesmerizing dance.

And is it not that we ourselves, as individuals possessed of our own truths to disregard?