It Does Not Matter Anymore....

A commentary on my life so far:-

I don't know if whatever I do will ever be enough. I don't know if whatever stance I take would ever suffice. For whatever strife in the very notion of goodness and righteousness and truth I have done; whatever vigilantism that I have waged in the scum-ridden slums of my birth country or whatever assistance I rendered to the needy, the helpless or whomsoever I deemed required it, are all lost. Sunken deep beneath the perception of people's eyes. For how could this fat, ever-perspiring, diseased-prone, ill-dressed, assumed short-lived, blob-like hulk of what would have been called a man, amount to anything useful to society, to his family, to his loved ones.

For those eyes are all that seem to matter.
Of what they could predict of the future, my future, my destiny.
To die a torturous death as some gangrene infested cadaver unfit for the Earth
And too toxic as fuel for the flame of cremation.

Of what their eyes could see of the shame of those around me, to be around me. For these are the eyes of judgment more worthy of note than those of the true Judge of every soul.

"Be true to yourself" they said
"Judge not a book by its cover" they said.
"Accept someone for who and what they are" they said
"Judge not, lest ye be judged" they said
Or were these all just fabricated words of hope that can never be achieved.
That none would ever adhere to and I, too foolish to believe in.

I don't know if what I say or do will ever be enough. To divert those eyes towards my soul, the eternal soul. To divert the eyes of those close to my heart. For it never seemed to matter to have a good heart, to be one with kindness and mercy, to spare every second of thought and inch of mind for others and their plights. What matters is this vessel of flesh and how it is presented with its many ornaments. What matters is the would-be destruction of this temple of muscle and bones through innumerable ailments wished upon it by those who wished well.

Shall I adhere then to them? Seek for myself and forsake the selfless path?
Extend whatever meager borrowed time I have, in place of those who require help earning theirs?
Adorn myself like Adonis on his throne of majestic beauty and supreme health?
For would it not unleash the very beast I have fought hard to contain
The very evils of ego-maniacal pride that I was in my youth
The uncaring, unfeeling, narcissistic specimen to which all eyes adored

It does not matter anymore.
What I do in anyone's eyes.
It does not matter anymore.
What I am in anyone's eyes.

For I shall continue in this path and I shall die in this path. Where my soul will then live on......... Eternal.