Sick and fatigued ....

And so here I am, drained and ailing at the culminating point of a month long endeavor in attempting to stay alive. Or least to have some semblance of what anyone would consider a life.

Now sometimes lying, sometimes sitting on my brown and beige striped mattress whilst my fingers run across the keyboard of my Compaq Presario M2000 to weave this tale in a virtual world, I figured that there were things that could screw me up worse than me having a persistently scorched throat, a desert for a forehead and geysers for a nose from which yellowish phlegm spew forth.

Words come to mind. Perceptions come next. Presumptions is another.

I would love to say that words from people that did not matter, would not matter. Then again I've never had it come through someone that mattered. I guess that changes things, especially when that someone believes it. What does it matter if those phrases do not represent me at all? As long as said individual believes it, I guess its true for them.

Perceptions defines the image of a friend, foe, family member, acquaintance and pretty much everything else. And by what right are these visual and auditory input - noticed within certain moments and brief periods of contact the very end all and be all of what someone else is. Tags to last a lifetime based purely on conjecture. Would it be too much to ask that you truly get to know someone before one passes the judgement of perception?

Was it wrong for me to presume that people would at least take a sincere effort in knowing someone else before casting into stone how and what the person is? Is it wrong for me to explain myself to those who do not know about me? Or do they just fling statements of the contrary and expect those who hear it to just nod solemnly? Is it too much for me to ask for them to hear me, to know me when I have heard them and known them? Is it too much for me to expect someone, anyone out there to truly know who I am? What I stand for, my beliefs, my hopes, my fears, my dreams? My life before, my life now and my life to be? Or am I always destined to tread as I always had, in this realm of mortal existence, alone.

I guess I should just recede back into the shell that I sheltered myself within for many years before. Just keep my mouth shut and nod whenever anyone says anything, like so many other Yes-men in this world. No need for rationalization, no need for explanation just insincere agreement in whatever that transpired.

It does not matter that this betrays the very nature that is me.