I should have done this a long time ago but time hasn't been an amiable entity lately. Then again, from what I've experienced thus far, it hasn't ever been one. Even though the conditions surrounding my sudden acquisition of an abundance of free time is not entirely ideal, being one who has been deprived so much for far so long, I can't really complain.
Looking back, it has been close to three years since I've had any opportunity to sequester myself from the chaotic klaxon of life's many demands to honestly define and redefine what exactly it is that I deem as living. And in most such cases of prolonged isolation from ones self, one does get dazed and jaded as to the nature of ones existence, let alone be able to ascertain the purpose of said existence. Not being that much different from other humans, I too had fallen into such a stupor. Rather than preferring to linger in such a state, my scorching need for self-evaluation forced me out of that drunken paradise.
Three years on and I have moved but an inch towards where I want to be. Some may say that its progress, but me being me, I compare it to the lethargic, yawn inducing Superman Returns movie. Nice to see similar faces, settings and actions but for small additions in character development and improved CGI, nothing much has truly changed. The same I guess, is true for me. Apart from an increase in mass, much darker skin tone and acquisition of a number of certifications of which their values are not entirely suspect, I am essentially the same ol' megalomaniac. Still hell bent on ruling this world, to change it, morph it into my view of a social, ecological and economical utopia. Grandiose, if not naive, I know but that is still essentially who I am. There are no problems beyond solving. No dreams beyond ones grasp. These are what I believed and still do to this day. I guess I'm just that stubborn, which is another thing that hasn't changed.
And nothing pisses me off more than meeting those with the 'bo chap' attitude in these past years. Those without purpose or drive in their lives and who are unable (more likely unwilling) to find a reason to wake up in the morning and awakes simply because their biology dictates them to. The apathetics, devoid of a sense of sympathy and compassion. It is not that their nature irks me, it is within right to be such but their inability (or rather refusal) to alter their perspectives for the betterment of themselves at the very least. These are the collection of homo sapiens that have caused much anger to swell within my being. Now, they're just the objects of my sympathy and to some extent my empathy. I guess in that sense I have changed but then again its just measured in inches and not miles.
Leaving my job as a teacher for special needs kids was a couple of months ago, a much heated topic of debate between the would-be scholars within my head. I loved what I did though not the necessarily the job. I loved the kids, though not necessarily what I foresaw was to become of them. In essence it was not a vocation which provided the means by which I truly desired to impact this world. Perhaps in the future it would be but not in its current incarnation. And I, given the 'youth' I currently possess do not have the time to persist in the hopes that the profession might, and I cannot stress the word enough, might materialize. Time to go, time to move, because time, as they say, waits for no man. It was time to seek a path more akin to what I envisioned at the very start. And time demands as well that I accept no substitute, lest I end up a shell of what once mortal once again. I've been settling for less each and everytime before and ended up with squat. What are the odds that the outcome will be different if I don't do things differently this time around?
This current process of applying for jobs is one that I have always dreaded. Its not so much the interviews, I don't have a problems with those. Interviews are more a case of whether they like what they hear and see ....... or not. Its the waiting that I find, in particular to be quite irritating. The state of being in oblivion, the in-between, of being neither here nor there. The constant waiting of the phone to ring or to receive that one email that says that you've been called up. Well, sucky or otherwise, I guess its just something that I have to go through especially with the 'No Substitute' policy I have recently enforced upon myself. The only thing left to do now, I guess is to just sit back and wait.
There are some other aspects of what has happened that I wish to dissect but perhaps that deserves an entry all on its on.
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